Sunday, January 27, 2008

World's Tallest Midget

Back in second grade my class had a reading reward system. For every book you read and talked with the teacher about, you would earn a sticker on your name line. Once you fill your line, you would win a prize. If you read an extra long book, you would get bonus stickers so that you could fill your line faster. Being the competitive sort, and having finished the Boxcar Children books, I decided to take on the biggest book in the school's library: The Guinness Book of World Records. My teacher was a bit remiss on letting that count, given how the book is a little light on plot, but if I was able to talk intelligently about it she would give me the stickers.

You would think an experience like that would ingrain a sense of wonderment at the accomplishments of humanity. Perhaps if those accomplishments were things that should be celebrated I would agree with you. Way to go 1200 pound lady! Hip hip hooray guy with 23 foot long fingernails! You are my lucky star kid with 1001 tattoos! I know that the point of the book was a way to settle bar bets and, in some cases, generate them. But times have changed since second grade. While hyper-obesity is now less special as it is now our national pastime, I don't recall the records of yore involving how many cobras one can dangle from one's tongue or the greatest distance on can shoot milk from one's eyeball (you think I'm joking?).

As I turned on the news I caught the end of some Guinness World Record special. They were certifying a new record: LIVE!! Thing is, I can't tell you really what record is being attempted. Some British lady (who is not Cat Deeley, not by a long shot) checking in with Sir Robin from Spamalot about whether the conditions are safe. He's confident, although conditions aren't 100%. NotCat starts talking about the final preparations as the camera gets into position. A guy on a motorbike, whose name is Clint, is staring down what looks like a tunnel of fire? His pit crew is kind of standing around not doing much and Clint is just sitting on his idling bike. EXCITING! A world record is about to be made/broken? I mean, made/broken! Clint gets the go, revs the engine and starts moving. Then he goes through the tunnel of some length, and upon exiting does an intentional wipeout on his bike so that he slides away from the gas tank that is about to be engulfed in flames. Then the crew with the fire extinguishers ruin what would have been the more interesting part of this stunt. Clint tries to stand up while the triumphant theme music starts to play. NotCat starts to interview the disgustingly sweaty Clint. She informs him that he succeeded at...whatever it was he was attempting. Someone hands him a certificate. NotCat: "Just before you were there, did you feel like you could do it?" Clint: "Yeah, it took a lot" NotCat pulls the mic away as he starts his answer so she can quickly put in a plug for American Gladiators (last round before the Final 8, y'all!).

So congrats Clint! You are tonight's World's Tallest Midget!

Oh, and the big news story: Kitty Porn. Gross.

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