Bluff

In case you missed it in my last post: I got into Syracuse. I'm not exactly jumping up and down about this development. I got my letters about a week and a half ago and the feeling I experienced as I retrieved the envelopes could best be described as "dread".

The issue here I think is motivation. I decided to apply to grad school towards the end of summer because I was pissed at how awful work was...at that point. Actually, it was going to be law school that I was going to focus on since I had an LSAT score that was set to expire. I also wanted to try to create some leverage with Tom to see if maybe, just maybe, my job might get turned into a real position. Of course, both Tom and I knew that applying leverage to the top of the boulder isn't going to cause it to move. It wasn't until the drive to the Pittsburgh tournament that Tom and I discussed the issue further. We eventually settled on the idea that perhaps grad school would be a better fit -- despite the obvious consequence of me having to leave the lanes.

I was still waffling on whether or not to apply, despite taking the GRE over Fall Break. I ended up seeing a therapist shortly after Thanksgiving due to some emotional and stress related issues. During the course of our first meeting, she suggested that I follow through with applying so that I could confront a fear of rejection that seemed to be coming up as a recurring theme in our discussions.

Syracuse did not hold up on its end of the "confrontation". I thoroughly did not expect to get in and I'm still a little surprised that I got into both programs I applied for. Honestly, I feel like Syracuse is calling my bluff, which...crap.

What sucks is that, despite the setback of last summer (which I know this summer is not going to be a repeat), I REALLY like my job. But it still isn't a real job and I don't know if I can afford it. But is the best alternative to take on what could be $40,000 of additional student debt? I haven't really told a lot of people yet about getting into Syracuse, mainly because the people who do know ave expressed their concerns about "what happens next"? "I don't know" doesn't put them at ease, specifically Tom.

James and I had a pretty lengthy discussion about the situation this afternoon. He brought up the good point that if I enjoy what I'm doing so much, why stop doing it? I confided in him that when I go to visit the campus next week, I secretly hope that I hate it there and see nothing but red flags. And then the fire alarms went off. My job still holds surprises.

I hate this -- I really don't know what to do. I have until May 1st to send in my matriculation deposit. It's going to be a challenging five weeks. Any feedback would be appreciated.